Well, I do have a very nice pocket watch to help in keeping it.
[He didn't say the jokes had to be particularly good, just well-timed.]
Joking to one side, Mr. Kida, perhaps you'd like to consider my recent discussion with Ms. Price for an example. I know how I come off to most people here. Stuffy, boring, interested in men named 'Ralph.' [Yes. Yes, he has been watching, Masaomi.] There's humor in subverting expectations. I know how people see me, and so I can make a joke of it. Not to be self-deprecating, but to be self-aware.
Let's try a role-playing scenario. I'll be Ms. Price. How would you approach me? At least in text. I don't think I've ever seen you walk up to a woman.
Hello! My name is Phoebe. I've only just arrived. Everything seems very strange here, but quite exciting. Those funny people - The Hedonists? - they've been telling me the most peculiar things. They seem very dear, but I don't understand. I think they were flirting with me!
[Monty rolls his eyes, but tries to imagine what Phoebe would actually say to that.]
Oh, my! You're very sweet, but I don't even know your name.
I should desperately like to hear about what happened, though. It sounds tragic; so many people here must be hopeless. Oh! There I go assuming. Perhaps everyone's happy here?
[Calling Phoebe 'Angel'? Monty bristles, but tries to hold it down. He'd chosen this persona, not Masaomi. He'll throw a curve at the young man for assuming himself, though. Not bothering to ask anything about the woman he's flirting with.]
Mr. Masaomi! Oh, I don't think my fiance would much approve of that. How very drole you are. What are those symbols? They look almost like a face. They're so cute.
I read all the most extraordinary novels about far off places and such, though. I'm not at all sure what a movie is, but I just know I'll believe you!
[Monty stares at the portmanteau and slowly covers his face for a few seconds.]
Mr. Masaomi, I've had people talk about me being a naive girl who hardly knows anything of the world, but I'm not that naive. You seem a very nice man, but I'm not the sort of girl to have a loose skirt!
I think you ought to tell me the long story, or I shouldn't be able to talk to you anymore.
Mr. Kida, please stop using that word with Phoebe. It's vulgar and it would make her uncomfortable.
[He's actually not sure that it would, which is mortifying in its own way. Monty knows full well that Phoebe might be an innocent, but she's no stranger to passions or enticing men. There are certain ways a woman learns her wiles, and she hadn't a mother still living to have learned them from.]
There are ways to present it delicately and avoid offending a young lady's sensibilities. [Or a young dandy's as the case might be.] Such matters are not spoken of openly in every society. I daresay it's most where they aren't. Being polite, using euphemisms, expressing some hesitance and discomfort with the circumstances. These are all ways to deliver the news of our circumstances with more tact and avoid sounding a complete lecher.
[The irony of this is that Masaomi had expressed all too much hesitance in his earlier months, still hates the idea now. Every sexual act tears at another lose thread in Masaomi's relationship with Mikajima Saki. He misses her so much, is always angry with himself for forgetting pieces of her. But being honest about those feelings? Being delicate and tactful with others' feelings? It goes against every one of his warped self-preservation instincts.
On an even simpler level, he has never, ever been subtle. About anything.]
I am a complete lecher.
[So there.]
So how would you do it then?
Tell her she might fade away if you don't pollinate her love blossoms?
Your poetry leaves something to be desired. As do your manners. A man should not be a lech. That's vulgar. There is pleasure to be found in a woman's company beyond anything carnal - conversation, shared interests, a companion and friend.
I would explain it as such: 'Ms. Phoebe, I do sincerely apologize, but there are certain requirements here beyond the standard. The Hedonists refer to it as "distraction," though that's simply a euphemism for a more intimate act. The most intimate that two people might be. Please understand, you have time to find a man you favor and can trust. The effects of abstinence usually set in after a week or two. You'll notice food starts to taste off, then things will begin to pass through you. I realize it's not a great deal of time, but it is there for you to find your bearings in some small measure. If there is anything I can do to help you, please let me know.'
It displays sympathy for the difficult situation she's been put in and provides her the facts of the situation without imposing yourself on her. Offering to help someone, I find, is far more effective at drawing them in than pursuing so actively and salaciously as you've done.
Wow you really do plan out everything you say like a strategy game.
I just say whatever I feel like.
[That isn't it, Masaomi knows. He also understands Monty's example perfectly. It really is polite, helpful, and gives the other person a little bit of time to react to their awful situation. It isn't Masaomi's style, but it makes a good point, as much as Masaomi hates to admit it.
So he won't admit it, not to Monty at least, even as he takes it to heart.]
I'm an earl with a good reputation to maintain, Mr. Kida. I do not have the luxury of saying whatever I feel like. If you'd truly like to have more success with the women in our company, you might consider that what you feel is not always appropriate to say.
That is not what I'm saying, in any case. I'm saying treat a woman with respect, show to her that she can trust you, that you are not just out to bed her, and you may have some greater success in courting her.
[Congrats, Monty! You've hit a nerve without even trying and probably on accident. Masaomi may have left a girl to die before, after promising much the same.]
I didn't mention me, Mr. Kida; though, it's interesting you should.
I think I've dispensed enough advice for one session, if you'd like to put any of it into practice. I'll wish you luck with your endeavors and mercy upon the women you pester.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[He didn't say the jokes had to be particularly good, just well-timed.]
Joking to one side, Mr. Kida, perhaps you'd like to consider my recent discussion with Ms. Price for an example. I know how I come off to most people here. Stuffy, boring, interested in men named 'Ralph.' [Yes. Yes, he has been watching, Masaomi.] There's humor in subverting expectations. I know how people see me, and so I can make a joke of it. Not to be self-deprecating, but to be self-aware.
Let's try a role-playing scenario. I'll be Ms. Price. How would you approach me? At least in text. I don't think I've ever seen you walk up to a woman.
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Hey.
We all know how you come off, but I'm totally different!
If you want me to play with your rolls, you have to act like a girl.
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[Well, if they're going back to this...]
Miraculously, women do not sound very much different from men in writing.
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You have to act like someone who isn't you.
I'll take the advice, but I can't
I don't want to imagine you as a girl.
[Look, he's at least trying to be less crass.]
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Hello! My name is Phoebe. I've only just arrived. Everything seems very strange here, but quite exciting. Those funny people - The Hedonists? - they've been telling me the most peculiar things. They seem very dear, but I don't understand. I think they were flirting with me!
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You're way more exciting than this dump!
The end of the world isn't usually something people WANT to hear about.
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Oh, my! You're very sweet, but I don't even know your name.
I should desperately like to hear about what happened, though. It sounds tragic; so many people here must be hopeless. Oh! There I go assuming. Perhaps everyone's happy here?
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Call me Masaomi, and I'll call you Angel. (*^-οΎ)ββ
If I tell you what happened, you won't believe me though.
It's like something out of a REALLY bad movie.
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Mr. Masaomi! Oh, I don't think my fiance would much approve of that. How very drole you are. What are those symbols? They look almost like a face. They're so cute.
I read all the most extraordinary novels about far off places and such, though. I'm not at all sure what a movie is, but I just know I'll believe you!
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My face!
I'm winking at you.
If your fiance won't like a little thing like me calling you Angel, he's not gonna like much of anything you have to do here.
Long story short, you've landed in the sexpocalypse.
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Mr. Masaomi, I've had people talk about me being a naive girl who hardly knows anything of the world, but I'm not that naive. You seem a very nice man, but I'm not the sort of girl to have a loose skirt!
I think you ought to tell me the long story, or I shouldn't be able to talk to you anymore.
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But these guys, the hedonists.
They have this power over reality that lets them make everything they believe to be real actually real.
They kept the world running for a bit even after it ended, but then
POOF!
It wasn't good enough anymore.
This is what the world really looks like now, not what you were looking at five minutes ago.
It's not just the hedonists who have that belief power anymore though.
Some of us too!
Only problem is: you have to have sex for that belief power to work.
Even when it comes to believing you exist.
Without sex, you start to fade away like the rest of the world did.
So.
Sexpocalypse.
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Mr. Kida, please stop using that word with Phoebe. It's vulgar and it would make her uncomfortable.
[He's actually not sure that it would, which is mortifying in its own way. Monty knows full well that Phoebe might be an innocent, but she's no stranger to passions or enticing men. There are certain ways a woman learns her wiles, and she hadn't a mother still living to have learned them from.]
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Everything about this is ~vulgar and uncomfortable~
You were the who said not to avoid all that crap!
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On an even simpler level, he has never, ever been subtle. About anything.]
I am a complete lecher.
[So there.]
So how would you do it then?
Tell her she might fade away if you don't pollinate her love blossoms?
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I would explain it as such: 'Ms. Phoebe, I do sincerely apologize, but there are certain requirements here beyond the standard. The Hedonists refer to it as "distraction," though that's simply a euphemism for a more intimate act. The most intimate that two people might be. Please understand, you have time to find a man you favor and can trust. The effects of abstinence usually set in after a week or two. You'll notice food starts to taste off, then things will begin to pass through you. I realize it's not a great deal of time, but it is there for you to find your bearings in some small measure. If there is anything I can do to help you, please let me know.'
It displays sympathy for the difficult situation she's been put in and provides her the facts of the situation without imposing yourself on her. Offering to help someone, I find, is far more effective at drawing them in than pursuing so actively and salaciously as you've done.
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I just say whatever I feel like.
[That isn't it, Masaomi knows. He also understands Monty's example perfectly. It really is polite, helpful, and gives the other person a little bit of time to react to their awful situation. It isn't Masaomi's style, but it makes a good point, as much as Masaomi hates to admit it.
So he won't admit it, not to Monty at least, even as he takes it to heart.]
But I think I get it.
Basically you're saying "if you don't want her, she'll want you."
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That is not what I'm saying, in any case. I'm saying treat a woman with respect, show to her that she can trust you, that you are not just out to bed her, and you may have some greater success in courting her.
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What if I just go full shounen protag?
All like I WILL PROTECT HER WITH MY LIFE!!!1!
That'd cover all the bases at once!
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It'd be a lie if I was talking to YOU.
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I think I've dispensed enough advice for one session, if you'd like to put any of it into practice. I'll wish you luck with your endeavors and mercy upon the women you pester.
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I guess.
I make no promises.